When Young People Leave the Church

Isaiah 5:1-7, Psalm 80:1-2, 8-19; Hebrews 11:29-12:2; Luke 12:49-56

Friends, if you haven’t heard, over the past few weeks, there has been an awful lot in the media, especially the religious media, about young people leaving the church.  It has been on the minds of every pastor I know.

Now, I want to say, that these articles are nothing new.  Right now they talk about Millenials leaving the church, but a few years ago, it was about Generation X leaving the church, and before that, there were actually articles about Baby Boomers leaving the church.  Well, I know that my audience this morning is primarily Baby Boomers, as well as folks who are in what’s called the ‘Greatest Generation,’ who survived the Great Depression and World Wars.  But friends, I know that many of you, because you have told me so, are worried about young people not being in the churches.  Sometimes you are worried about your own young people, your grandchildren and children, not being in church.  So I know this is on your hearts, even if you haven’t seen the news.

In fact, the way you feel about this might even be well described in today’s scripture readings, when you’ve tended the young vine and given it every form of nurture you could, and saw how strong and vibrant it grew for a time, and now you’re left shaking your head and wondering, with a worried heart, what exactly happened?  You might even feel, if you’re the parent or grandparent of a child who is no longer involved in church, like you live in a house divided, like the Gospel says, two against three.  You may even be looking around this room, and many of you do tell me you notice more gray heads in here now than there used to be--and you may be wondering how to interpret the present time.

So let’s talk about that.

First of all, I should say that at age 35, I am firmly planted within Generation X, and I have spent a fair amount of my pastoral career helping interpret the actions of adult children my age and younger, such as Millenials, to parents, who are usually Baby Boomers.  And I don’t actually mind this, it is kind of fun.  But if you find yourself in this category, I want to first say, relax.  More often than not, your kids are actually fine.

When to Worry:

Granted, there are times to worry.  If your kid is heavy into drugs, drinking, gambling or crime, headed on a path to destruction, then yes, it is time to worry.  In fact, not having a church might be the least of their worries at that moment.  Even then, Jesus still loves them and they probably still love Jesus, but the depth of their problems is making it hard to focus on that relationship right now.  What they might need more than anything in that moment, is you and a strong network of friends who can be that love of Jesus to them, truly invested in their well-being and recovery.

When NOT to Worry:

However, I also believe, and it has been true for me and most of my pastoral colleagues, that there is some need for young people to become independent and define themselves, not only in becoming independent from you, but also even from ‘Mother Church.’  After all, there is more to the world than you have taught, or your home congregation has taught, however lovingly, and to an extent it is healthy to take time away and question those things, and decide which parts to carry forward--just as we all here probably do not do everything exactly as our parents did, now that we are adults.

And I have to confess, that while I did go around to lots of churches of different backgrounds in my twenties, I admit I also spent a fair number of Sundays just simply sleeping in.  Part of that was being at work until two or three am the night before (if you’re curious, I worked at both a bar and grill and a Pizza Hut).  Other times, it was sheer laziness, or the opportunity to go to brunch. I spent plenty of time worshipping at the “Church of the Holy Comforter,” complete with pillow.  And all of this was knowing full well I was going to be a pastor.  Perhaps, in part, because I was going to be a pastor, and would never sleep in on a Sunday again.  

And, granted, some young people are still in the church!  As a young person, when I was in church, I hated having it pointed out to me that very few young people came to church.  Sometimes I felt it was hard to be seen for me, and not just my age.  More on that in a moment.

There are a few things though, that I think we as Christians, should probably talk about first:

Organized religion has a lot to answer for, and I’d almost be more worried if your kid hadn’t noticed.  Let’s list the things....clergy sexual abuse.  Homophobia.  Sexism.  Racism. No drinking, dancing or playing cards.  Corruption, and million-dollar preachers on corporate jets.  Hating people of other faiths.  Bombing abortion clinics.  The list goes on and on.  And when you see Christians on TV, not just in the movies, but speaking as experts on the news, they tend to be the most hateful and least reasonable.

I’ll admit I cringe, even as a pastor, at the word ‘Christian,’ because of the deeply nasty, negative connotations it carries. Sometimes, when a person says, “I’m spiritual but not religious,” what they mean is, “I have faith, but I don’t want to be lumped in with the extremists.” Not always, but often enough.

It’s almost never about not loving Jesus.  It is often about how to follow Jesus faithfully in a world where churches and Christians don’t often seem like friendly and welcoming places that really want you.  It’s hard to belong to a church and call yourself Christian when doing so may make you look like you identify with the people who are hateful and intolerant.

That’s the big, wide picture.  Now let’s talk closer to home, just being a younger adult, looking for a new home church in their new adult life:

An Invitation to Life Together:

Finding a new church can be as intimidating as finding a life partner.  And your church probably is, in a way, your life partner.  A young family says to a new church the things that you say to a new spouse: “I want to raise my kids with you.  I want you to be there when I’m hurting, and I want to be there when you’re hurting.  You and I share the values that I think are the most important.  And, we can really have fun together.”

There are some other things about the home church.  Especially given that everyone has graduated and moved on, well, you don’t really belong to the high school youth group anymore.  You also don’t really belong at the senior ladies’ coffee, no matter how cute they think you are.  It’s, um, a little like moving back into your parents’ basement.  Or maybe worse, back into your old bedroom.  Sure, there’s a little comfort in the familiarity, but everything has also changed.  Sometimes, finding another church is like moving into somebody else’s parents’ basement.  In the ‘social real estate,’ you don’t have to ‘own’ a whole big thing to feel like a real adult, but it helps if there’s at least a little something that’s really yours, which you can claim for yourself.  It’s similar with church.

It’s hard to come back and be the only one like yourself.  We might say, “bring more people like yourself!”  But it’s just not that easy.  For those of us at different life stages, it’s like being the only single person when all your friends are married now.  Or being the only couple with kids when everyone else isn’t at that point.  Or, it’s like being the only widow in your bridge club, or anywhere else you used to socialize as a couple, and everyone else in your social circle still has their husband.  You all still love each other, but it’s honestly very awkward.

As churches, we have to do our very best to make it not awkward.

Just a few more things:  It’s not all about the music, but it is just a little bit about the music. And, it’s not all about the technology, but it’s a little bit about the technology.  It’s not all about the liturgy and tradition, but it’s a little bit about the liturgy and tradition.  Simply put, everybody has to take turns, just like in any family.

There are churches that are all about the new music, technology, and traditions, and they do attract many young people.  Young adults can also outgrow them when they become older, and some do.  We don’t have to get rid of everything we hold dear, but we do have to make room for young adults--and not just at the kids’ table.

I want to break away a bit from the age groups and talk more about the life stages.  After all, I’m 35, and I have tiny kids at home.  Other people my age have teenagers at home.  Yet other people my age aren’t married, or have no kids.  We’re at totally different life stages.  Jorge’s in his early fifties and has small kids at home.  The other guy his age here is Tom, who has grandchildren the same age.  Same age, different life stages.  Which is not all bad.  In fact, sometimes that is the glue that can help bridge the generation gaps.

Finally, I’d like to talk about how the world has changed.

Fifty years ago, in reality, life was probably simpler.  There was a time not so long ago you could marry straight out of high school, get a job that supported your family, and live on one income, freeing up (usually the wife) to raise the children and be active in the church.  This all helped people who were raised in the church to stay in their same churches, or at least easily join a church and find your place.  Now, it’s not right to get married so young.  You have to get your education.  Both spouses usually need to work full-time to make ends meet.  This leaves a lot less time to volunteer everywhere, including the church, and many young families are pulled in so many directions that they don’t have any real time together.   I’ll be honest--many churches today exacerbate that problem, because we are built on a model that worked really well for the baby boomers, fifty years ago.  

A lot of times, young people come back to church when they have kids, who have faith questions, and they don’t feel equipped to answer them on their own.   They need to learn alongside their children.  They need mentors to be their own heroes of the faith, people to tell them and show them how it is possible to grow meaningfully in our lives of faith.  When church can be a place that families are truly together,--and not again pulled in all different directions, there is a real blessing that we have to offer today.

The Good Gardener

Friends, the good news is (and there is always some good news somewhere) is that God, the constant gardener, is a good gardener, who still loves everything God has planted.  God has regard for the young vine, and also for us.  Where we have wandered, where we have failed, and where we have failed to welcome the wandering--God still nurtures us.  God still loves us, and calls us together as one people, all family, all children of God.

Prayers This Week:

For those facing addiction, and their families

For those wrestling with mental health issues

For those recovering from stroke

For those struggling to find a church home

For all who travel

For children and teachers preparing for back to school

Beyond Things

Hosea 11:1-11; Psalm 107:1-9; Colossians 3:1-11; Luke 12:13-21

What This Message Is Not About

It would be so easy to preach this week’s Scriptures as a pointed stewardship lesson, that God blesses us with so many things that we should be ready to give everything to God, and by the way, we have a mortgage on the building, so, you know, be generous....right.  Give as you feel led, but that’s not what I’m going to talk about today.

Instead, let me talk a bit about parenting.  After all, the Gospel story starts off with a sibling dispute over the inheritance--something that causes a great deal of pain in families.  And you can definitely hear the parent in God’s voice speaking throughout the passage in Isaiah.

Let’s Talk About The Kids

My family and I went back to our old neighborhood this week, and pretty soon all the parents were hanging out talking about our kids--sharing both the joys and the frustrations.  Many of you know that banter.  And I wonder, what if God talked about us the way we talked about our kids?  How would that sound?  “Oh, you know, Adam and Eve, they were so cute and agreeable at first, but then they made a total mess out of my garden--so I put up a gate to keep them out of there--but then they just went out and made even bigger messes, I can barely keep up with it all!”

Well, God does often talk about us as though we were God’s children, because we are.  And we really hear that today in the reading from Hosea.  We hear how God raised us up like a child, and such vivid imagery:  I taught them to walk, I held them in my arms, I healed their injuries, I lifted them like infants to my cheek, I fed them.  Can’t you just see that?

And yet, that relationship was mired in pain.  For as much as God tended and nurtured the children, they ran away from God, and found themselves increasingly mired in trouble, and wouldn’t turn back and seek help, they put their trust in powers, like powerful political alliances (aka “friends”) that would ultimately betray and destroy them.

Hosea:  The Perfectly Dysfunctional Family

I noticed that several folks commented (but nobody complained!) that some of the usual Bible readings were absent last week while I was away.  Part of the reason for that was they were kind of doozies.  The upshot of the story was that God commanded the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute, and then have a couple of kids which he was supposed to name, “Not My People” and “No Pity.”  Well, ouch.  God’s point in this was to create a totally dysfunctional family, where there is no love, no mercy, and no fidelity, to serve as a metaphor for what had gone wrong in the relationship between God and God’s people.  Granted, this didn’t go over well: mostly because it was weird, and also, as far as God’s people knew, it was a time of relative prosperity.  Everything was going great, so, what’s the big deal?  In reality, things were about to go horribly wrong in ways even they could see: As the scripture reads, the sword rages in their cities and they are in danger of returning to captivity and repression.

When Things Go Horribly Wrong

I think most of us have known situations where a child has been raised lovingly, and still somehow ends up down a wrong path that leads to their destruction.  Perhaps the most frequent metaphor today would be drug addiction [CBS This Morning 8/5/13 reported on the new heroin epidemic].  But there’s any number of things that could happen, that are truly frightening.  And for those of us who are parents, we may wonder if there is any reason we would ever abandon one of our children, or even kick them out of the house.  Perhaps ultimately, and realistically speaking, if the child was endangering the others who lived there, to protect the rest of the family, we might have to say, “you can’t come home right now.”  Now, I don’t want to ever think about any of that happening to my kids--who are rascals, but they’re also so young and innocent right now--but it might.  I can parent to the best of my ability, but I realize that even as a pastor, my family and my children are not immune to the ills of this world.

And that’s where we hear and understand God speaking through the prophet Hosea in today’s reading.  [Insert your own children’s names here] and you begin to get the picture of God, this brokenhearted parent, worried sick:

“How can I give you up, ____________?  How can I hand you over, ________?  

[Insert your own name here] and you begin to get the picture of God, this brokenhearted parent, worried sick.

Insert the name of anyone whom you love deeply, and you begin to get the picture....yes, I think we can begin to tap into those feelings and relate.

The good news is, even when we have done things to break God’s heart, God doesn’t write us off.  God instead chooses compassion and continues to invite the rebellious child home.

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It’s Not About the Little Things

Sometimes, our relationships are painful, but nothing huge and tragic has caused it.  Sometimes, things just ‘get in the way’ of our relationships.  Not just material things, like the inheritance dispute between the brothers in the Gospel story, but things, you know, stuff that happens, and builds up, and forms into walls and barriers between us that are so hard to tear down, without tearing each other down in the process.

Granted, it’s easiest not to let those walls get built up in the first place--to handle the issues while they’re small, and not let them blow up into big things.  When those little things get blown up, then we know the relationship is in trouble.  After all, even churches die, not because they ran out of people to invite, but because they got caught up fighting over little things like the carpet and blew all their energy, and pffft, there they went.

Who among us doesn’t have a relationship we wish could be better?  Who among us doesn’t have words or mistakes we wish we could take back?  

All these human divisions, God seeks to break down, bridge, or transform.  We’ve talked in the past few weeks about those walls of animosity between Jews and Samaritans--folks who were really two sides of the same coin; and today Paul speaks to us of Greek and Jew, slave and free, barbarian and Scythian (and who are those guys anyway--we’ve forgotten, because the division didn’t really matter)!  God is inviting us to not let those little things--and they are really little things, that we make into big things--stand in the way of love.

Beyond Things

So let’s talk about that Gospel verse again, but in a non-traditional way.  Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to build bigger barns--or churches, for that matter.  Really it’s hoarding, or at least not sharing, that is the problem.  We have a beautiful new facility, and God does call us to share it--to share our sanctuary, share our classroom space, even our lawn, and not keep it to ourselves.  Things will probably get dinged up a bit in the process, and we’re going to need two things:  a good-sized can of touch-up paint, and a load of graciousness.  After all, it isn’t really our building, but God’s.  When we can overlook the little things, and use wisely the big things we have been given, all of our relationships, and all of us individually, are deeply blessed.  God wants for us far more than we can imagine.  Thanks be to God!

Prayers this Week:

For all who struggle with addictions; mental health concerns; and for all who are facing abuse of any kind.

For those who come to harm when working in far-off places.

For our Sikh brothers and sisters as they remember the shootings in their sacred space one year ago.

For our PCUSA friends who are gathered at the Big Tent conference in Louisville, KY this weekend.

For all who are traveling

For all who are ill or injured

For those who are dying, and for those who are grieving

For peace in our world

Lyrics for the Lectionary:

When reading the Scriptures this week, consider the following:

A Thousand Years, Christina Perri (Hosea)

Somebody That I Used to Know, Gotiye (Hosea)

Paradise, Coldplay (Hosea, Luke)

How To Save A Life, Fray (Hosea)

Feel the Tide, Mumford and Sons (Psalm)

Eleven Outreach Lessons from Luke 10

[Sending the Seventy; the Good Samaritan; Mary and Martha]

I really wanted to make this a Top Ten list today, but perhaps I’m a long-winded Presbyterian pastor.  Or perhaps ten is too predictable and eleven seems more catchy.  Either way, the last three weeks of Gospel stories from Luke 10 have so much depth and practicality when it comes to gearing up a church to do outreach, that I wanted to really pull them out and share them with you today.

Before that, though, a disclaimer:  I think the number one fear of “folks like us”  [Mainline Protestants, aka, the Frozen Chosen] doing outreach is that we’ll have to knock on doors or walk up to total strangers and ask that awkward question: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?”  In fact, I will never ask you to do that, because the good Presbyterian answer is that a) Jesus accepts us, not the other way around; and b) we believe Jesus is for sharing.  However, I might ask you someday to knock on doors.  Or to talk to total strangers.  More on that in a moment.

So, what do these three gospel stories have to teach us, for those of us who want to do outreach in our church but just don’t know to get started?

1.  Many hands make the work lighter:  We know Jesus is present when only two or three of us are gathered, but we’re going to need a lot more help if we’re going to do any real outreach.  After all, Jesus himself appointed and trained 70 followers to conduct his outreach campaign.  And he asked those seventy to go out and ask other people to help as well!  And before that, he had twelve students, the disciples, that he was training up to teach their own students in the future!  Jesus wasn’t about to try to do this all on his own!  Sure there were things that only Jesus could do, but there were lots more things than any one person could do.

2.  Look in unexpected places:  Help, and great ideas, can come from anywhere and anyone. That was the surprise of the Good Samaritan--nobody expected him to hit the homerun of discipleship.  Even in our own church, we have folks who are sort of on the margins, who remain quiet when all the usual folks are thick in the discussion.  However, our folks on the margins have a unique perspective on our situation.  We will do well to encourage them to speak their mind--they might have the key to our future ministry.

3.  Have healthy boundaries: The Good Samaritan did not let the task before him completely take over his life.  He stopped long enough to do what he could.  He used the tools he had available.  And then he used his resources to enlist the help of the innkeeper, while he continued on and met his other obligations.  He came back as he promised to fulfill his part of the bargain.  This is a good model for us.  Sometimes in outreach, we come across specific situations or people who need our help and love--and also more than our help and love.  We should be unafraid to do what we can to help and to walk alongside them in their journey, but also to know when we don’t have all the answers, and connect them to additional resources they may need.  This is different than abandoning someone in their struggles--we still are called to return and be a friend inasmuch as we can, and keeping that friendship a healthy one.

4.  Get grounded: In order to be healthy ourselves, we also gotta spend some personal time learning and listening to God.  Granted, Mary got in trouble with her sister for neglecting (or at least delaying) the daily duties that needed to happen, but she did so in order to take advantage of an opportunity.  She knew that what Jesus was saying would transform her life, and took time out to listen.

5.  Bring on the food:  People interact with each other differently when there’s food around.  Being nurtured by food allows us to open up and socialize with others in healthy ways.  We celebrate our lives and gather our families and friends around food.  Jesus walked in the door, maybe as a complete stranger, and Martha went to the kitchen to get the soup on.  Jesus instructed the seventy to accept hospitality and be fed.  Over those dinners, after all, relationships would be nurtured that would allow faith to grow and deepen.

6.  Don’t sweat the details:  There's a reason Jesus didn't want the seventy to weigh themselves down with over-packing and over-preparing. He wanted them to focus on the relationships being built. Mary could relate. Rather than burying ourselves in endless planning (or falling victim to what’s known as analysis paralysis), sometimes it's okay to do the bare minimum of logistics needed for an event, and allow ourselves to have a good time doing what we're doing.

7.  Ask the question: Let’s talk for a moment about being in our own homes.  I know that a lot of us have family members and close friends who are not churchgoers.  And I’m not asking you to coerce them into coming to church with you.  But, I would like you to ask them why they don’t attend, and really listen.  Don’t argue.  Don’t try to come up with a quick fix.  Just really honestly ask, what keeps you from going to church?  This is valuable feedback, because these people love you, and you love them. Ask the right way, and you’ll get a loving but very honest answer.  Sometimes when we listen, we really learn things about ourselves that we need to know.  So don’t get defensive,  just thank them for their honest feedback.  Don’t try to ‘fix’ the problem, just listen. Jesus wanted people to ask questions, regardless of the answer they might get.

8.  Know when to fold:  Go to uncomfortable places, but don’t go alone, and don’t wear yourself out on something that’s not working. Jesus sent the seventy with pretty clear instructions about this.  We have to not be afraid to fail.  And if something we try does fail, we need to not beat ourselves over the head about it. It's a waste of energy.  We don’t want to quit altogether, just dust ourselves off, and move on to something else.

9.  Meet the need:  The Good Samaritan opened his bag (purse, actually) and used his resources to help.  The seventy, even with what little they brought along, were also resourceful and useful wherever they went--healing sick people and so forth.  We ourselves have a lot of resources out of which to minister to our community.  We have a beautiful new facility, and spacious surrounding property.  We have a lot of people who are active and like to volunteer.  We cook really well.  We have space to hold big events, and to gather in small groups over coffee.  We even have a little money we could put towards trying some new things.  Let’s put what we have to work, and do so with love.

10.  Invite to serve: People want to connect their faith to doing something meaningful, they just don’t always know how.  We can help them--we can invite them to come along when we’re volunteering somewhere.  We can even invite them along on a mission trip or to help at the food pantry.  We can invite them to bring a salad, or a guitar. Also, let’s face it, a 60-minute Sunday worship service just doesn’t appeal to everyone, but there are other ways of expressing faith and connecting with a faith community.  Some people learn best by doing.

11.  Go on, get out of here:  None of us should be here in the church building so often that we have no outside lives.  Without our outside lives, we won’t get the outside perspective we need to do good outreach.  And perhaps that was the problem with the Levite and the priest:  both were so entrenched in the daily details of church life, that they couldn’t see the big picture--or the opportunity to share God’s love that was laying in the road right in front of them.

One of the main reasons for gathering at church is to be nurtured and recharged to go out and be the people God calls us to be: a good parent, child, or spouse, a good employer or employee, a good neighbor or a kind stranger. In all our callings, we are called to follow Jesus.  And when God’s love is truly reflected in our everyday lives, that is some of the best outreach of all.

So yes, at some point, you may have to knock on a few doors and talk to a few strangers.  But sometimes only to ask, ‘hey, do you need a little help there?’  Or, ‘would you like to help me with something?’  Both establish connections and change lives.  

Jesus calls us to unexpected places in our lives, but we do not go alone.  God’s grace is with us, and surrounded by God’s love, we can do all things.  Amen.

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Prayers for this week:

Reconciliation, justice, peace and healing for racial and ethnic tension, that we may understand root causes and work for lasting healing.

Peace for all places of violence, strife, and trauma in this world.

Healing and comfort for all recovering from surgery.

Traveling mercies for our Mission Trip team in Kentucky, our campers headed to Illinois, and all who are on the road this time of year.

(Almost) Everything I (Probably) Needed to Know About Outreach, I (Maybe) Learned from Dating:

For those of us in the Mainline Protestant and Catholic faith traditions, outreach probably doesn't come naturally.  We’re sort of the introverts and wallflowers of the Christian world.  Yet, most of us don't really want to be lonely.  We just need some practical pointers on how to meet and get to know other people, so that we can have a healthy and growing church family.  

Since I am an introvert by nature and also a Mainline Protestant,* and also have worked in several churches who want to grow but don’t quite know how, I empathize with these situations.  However, I am also a happily married mother of three, and want to encourage those looking for love, even just folks to love your church as much as you do, that it is possible and it can get better.

I am writing this not just as a pastor to other pastors, but for elders/council members, deacons, outreach committees, long-term members, and any person who wants to help grow their church in healthy and fulfilling ways.  In essence, I am writing this to churches as a whole congregation, to see yourself as one body, working together.  Successful outreach requires all parts of the body to be working toward the larger goal.  If the heart of your congregation isn’t in it, it probably isn’t going to happen.  Also, all metaphors are imperfect, and so is this article.  Hence, the title.

That said, here is what I’ve learned:

Don’t sit home and sulk.  Rather than sitting alone in your church home complaining that nobody calls and you don’t know anyone to invite, get out and go places where you will meet new people.  Volunteer for causes you care about.  Attend cultural events.  Take a class. Do things you enjoy.  Chances are, other people enjoy doing those things too and when you meet you’ll have something in common.

Check your breath:  sometimes before you’re really ready to make a good impression, you need a trustworthy person with an outside perspective.  Is there anything you need to fix before you go out in public?   Sometimes, it’s something simple, like tidying up and looking less shabby.  Or perhaps your way of greeting people isn’t as warm as it could be.  Other times, the issue could be more serious.  (Let’s be blunt:  if you’re currently a train wreck, this isn’t the time to be getting into new relationships.  You may have to spend some time working on your core issues [finances, unhealthy conflicts], perhaps with professional assistance, before you get back out there). This is valuable feedback, because the people you trust enough to be frank with you, love you and want you to succeed.  Listen carefully to the responses, and don’t get defensive.  Just thank them for their honest feedback.

Get your friends to help.  Your friends know you well and probably know people who you should meet.  In a church context, elders, deacons, and long-time church members know the church and the community well--both the folks on the outer edges of the congregation, as well as folks in town that are without a church home, or who had a church home but quit attending.  Ask them to help arrange a no-pressure introduction, perhaps in a small gathering at the local coffee shop.

Avoid pick-up lines.  There are some folks that will respond to a line like, “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?” but in reality, a lot of good people will recoil from such an overbearing approach.  Just be yourself, and as you get to know people better, authentic opportunities to discuss the values that matter to you most will come.

Sometimes it’s the little things that make a big difference.  Hold the door open.  Help them with their coat or diaper bag.  Offer to get them a coffee, a snack, a bulletin.  Walk them out to their car afterwards, especially if the weather is bad or they’re struggling to load up the kids.  Don’t overdo it, and back off if people decline your assistance, but a little help is often quite appreciated.

Get to know their story.  Once you’ve met someone and are spending more time with them, ask questions:  What matters to this person?  What are their hopes and dreams?  What can do you to help them--whether introducing them to friends who share their interests, or simply providing encouragement and a listening ear?

Don’t be sleazy.  People can usually tell whether you’re really interested in them for who they are, or if you’re just trying to get something out of them.  Be really, authentically, interested in who they are.  Even if they don’t become involved, you may have just made a great friend.

Be safe.  Not all people out there seeking a relationship are coming from a healthy place.  It’s good to be compassionate and caring, but also maintain healthy boundaries and recognize when you’re getting in over your head with someone. Consider meeting new people in groups or in public.  Do your homework in advance and be prepared with some resources in case a new friend needs more help than you can provide.  This way, you can let the relationship develop without becoming harmful to you both.

Introduce them to your social circle.  If they’re important to you, help them feel that way.  Introduce them to your friends at church.  Include them in conversation at coffee hour.  Invite them out to brunch or the concert if folks are headed that way anyway.  People want to know they’ll fit in, and people really hate being the only one who doesn’t know anybody.

You don’t get married on the first date, but the first date still matters.  Make your best possible, yet authentic, first impression.  For some people, it’s love at first sight; others need a while to grow into the relationship. Be patient, be yourself, and don’t pressure someone into a commitment before they’re ready.

Throw parties.  Parties are fun.  And, inviting people to a social event is much less pressure than inviting them to church.  Let’s face it, not everyone who shows up at your party (block party, community event, etc.) is going to turn into a long-term relationship, but you’ll get to meet a lot of folks, and some of them will become friends, maybe more.  When you do throw a party or other public event, be a good host--help people feel comfortable, introduce them to folks and get conversations started; let them hang out and help in the kitchen if that’s where they find themselves.  

Not all relationships last, but you’ll learn from each one.  Not everybody you meet and spend time with will join your church.  Sometimes they’re just not that into you; sometimes it isn’t a good match.  However, the time that you spent with them isn’t wasted.  With each person you develop better relationship skills and learn more about yourself, that will help you to be healthier and give you more confidence the next time you meet someone new.

The community and the Holy Spirit matter.  A marriage in the Christian church is not just between two people, or even two people and God, but unites their two communities (friends and family) and is surrounded by the community of the church as well.  The whole church is obligated to help nurture that new relationship and help it succeed.  Likewise, growing and sustaining membership needs the support of both divine and human community.  Reliance on the Holy Spirit to build (and occasionally mend) strong bonds is also needed, and requires prayer and patience.  

Making a commitment is really just the beginning.  Even after someone makes a commitment, you have to keep nurturing the relationship.  Take no one for granted, but remember they are partners with you in building the church family and home.  Keeping a relationship healthy makes it last for a lifetime.  Work through compromise and negotiation when individuals or groups within the congregation disagree.  It doesn’t make sense to invite folks in at the cost of losing just as many out the back door.

Keep the love alive:  Like all relationships, after the initial excitement wears off, there has to be enough substance to make the relationship last.  In the church, pastors retire or move on.  Music styles change. The kids who were brought to Sunday School faithfully grow up and move away.   Help people negotiate these life transitions without feeling lost or drifting away.  Keep the relationship grounded in God and supported by the network of the wider congregation.

Similarly, don’t just ‘go through the motions’ of daily church life--committee meetings, stewardship drives, and Sunday mornings.  Keep up the relationship by doing fun things together, as well as spending time in reflection and deep conversation, and of course, sharing the difficult times with compassion and forgiveness.

Finally, remember the big picture:  The point of any partnership is to serve God together in all that you do.  Make that the focus of every relationship, and with God’s grace, you will grow in love.

*The author is a PCUSA pastor who grew up ELCA Lutheran.  She is married to a UCC pastor who grew up Catholic and was ordained Church of the Brethren.  Both are committed to building bridges of understanding among different faith traditions, and family faith discussions are rarely dull!