Friends, if you haven’t heard, over the past few weeks, there has been an awful lot in the media, especially the religious media, about young people leaving the church. It has been on the minds of every pastor I know.
Now, I want to say, that these articles are nothing new. Right now they talk about Millenials leaving the church, but a few years ago, it was about Generation X leaving the church, and before that, there were actually articles about Baby Boomers leaving the church. Well, I know that my audience this morning is primarily Baby Boomers, as well as folks who are in what’s called the ‘Greatest Generation,’ who survived the Great Depression and World Wars. But friends, I know that many of you, because you have told me so, are worried about young people not being in the churches. Sometimes you are worried about your own young people, your grandchildren and children, not being in church. So I know this is on your hearts, even if you haven’t seen the news.
In fact, the way you feel about this might even be well described in today’s scripture readings, when you’ve tended the young vine and given it every form of nurture you could, and saw how strong and vibrant it grew for a time, and now you’re left shaking your head and wondering, with a worried heart, what exactly happened? You might even feel, if you’re the parent or grandparent of a child who is no longer involved in church, like you live in a house divided, like the Gospel says, two against three. You may even be looking around this room, and many of you do tell me you notice more gray heads in here now than there used to be--and you may be wondering how to interpret the present time.
So let’s talk about that.
First of all, I should say that at age 35, I am firmly planted within Generation X, and I have spent a fair amount of my pastoral career helping interpret the actions of adult children my age and younger, such as Millenials, to parents, who are usually Baby Boomers. And I don’t actually mind this, it is kind of fun. But if you find yourself in this category, I want to first say, relax. More often than not, your kids are actually fine.
When to Worry:
Granted, there are times to worry. If your kid is heavy into drugs, drinking, gambling or crime, headed on a path to destruction, then yes, it is time to worry. In fact, not having a church might be the least of their worries at that moment. Even then, Jesus still loves them and they probably still love Jesus, but the depth of their problems is making it hard to focus on that relationship right now. What they might need more than anything in that moment, is you and a strong network of friends who can be that love of Jesus to them, truly invested in their well-being and recovery.
When NOT to Worry:
However, I also believe, and it has been true for me and most of my pastoral colleagues, that there is some need for young people to become independent and define themselves, not only in becoming independent from you, but also even from ‘Mother Church.’ After all, there is more to the world than you have taught, or your home congregation has taught, however lovingly, and to an extent it is healthy to take time away and question those things, and decide which parts to carry forward--just as we all here probably do not do everything exactly as our parents did, now that we are adults.
And I have to confess, that while I did go around to lots of churches of different backgrounds in my twenties, I admit I also spent a fair number of Sundays just simply sleeping in. Part of that was being at work until two or three am the night before (if you’re curious, I worked at both a bar and grill and a Pizza Hut). Other times, it was sheer laziness, or the opportunity to go to brunch. I spent plenty of time worshipping at the “Church of the Holy Comforter,” complete with pillow. And all of this was knowing full well I was going to be a pastor. Perhaps, in part, because I was going to be a pastor, and would never sleep in on a Sunday again.
And, granted, some young people are still in the church! As a young person, when I was in church, I hated having it pointed out to me that very few young people came to church. Sometimes I felt it was hard to be seen for me, and not just my age. More on that in a moment.
There are a few things though, that I think we as Christians, should probably talk about first:
Organized religion has a lot to answer for, and I’d almost be more worried if your kid hadn’t noticed. Let’s list the things....clergy sexual abuse. Homophobia. Sexism. Racism. No drinking, dancing or playing cards. Corruption, and million-dollar preachers on corporate jets. Hating people of other faiths. Bombing abortion clinics. The list goes on and on. And when you see Christians on TV, not just in the movies, but speaking as experts on the news, they tend to be the most hateful and least reasonable.
I’ll admit I cringe, even as a pastor, at the word ‘Christian,’ because of the deeply nasty, negative connotations it carries. Sometimes, when a person says, “I’m spiritual but not religious,” what they mean is, “I have faith, but I don’t want to be lumped in with the extremists.” Not always, but often enough.
It’s almost never about not loving Jesus. It is often about how to follow Jesus faithfully in a world where churches and Christians don’t often seem like friendly and welcoming places that really want you. It’s hard to belong to a church and call yourself Christian when doing so may make you look like you identify with the people who are hateful and intolerant.
That’s the big, wide picture. Now let’s talk closer to home, just being a younger adult, looking for a new home church in their new adult life:
An Invitation to Life Together:
Finding a new church can be as intimidating as finding a life partner. And your church probably is, in a way, your life partner. A young family says to a new church the things that you say to a new spouse: “I want to raise my kids with you. I want you to be there when I’m hurting, and I want to be there when you’re hurting. You and I share the values that I think are the most important. And, we can really have fun together.”
There are some other things about the home church. Especially given that everyone has graduated and moved on, well, you don’t really belong to the high school youth group anymore. You also don’t really belong at the senior ladies’ coffee, no matter how cute they think you are. It’s, um, a little like moving back into your parents’ basement. Or maybe worse, back into your old bedroom. Sure, there’s a little comfort in the familiarity, but everything has also changed. Sometimes, finding another church is like moving into somebody else’s parents’ basement. In the ‘social real estate,’ you don’t have to ‘own’ a whole big thing to feel like a real adult, but it helps if there’s at least a little something that’s really yours, which you can claim for yourself. It’s similar with church.
It’s hard to come back and be the only one like yourself. We might say, “bring more people like yourself!” But it’s just not that easy. For those of us at different life stages, it’s like being the only single person when all your friends are married now. Or being the only couple with kids when everyone else isn’t at that point. Or, it’s like being the only widow in your bridge club, or anywhere else you used to socialize as a couple, and everyone else in your social circle still has their husband. You all still love each other, but it’s honestly very awkward.
As churches, we have to do our very best to make it not awkward.
Just a few more things: It’s not all about the music, but it is just a little bit about the music. And, it’s not all about the technology, but it’s a little bit about the technology. It’s not all about the liturgy and tradition, but it’s a little bit about the liturgy and tradition. Simply put, everybody has to take turns, just like in any family.
There are churches that are all about the new music, technology, and traditions, and they do attract many young people. Young adults can also outgrow them when they become older, and some do. We don’t have to get rid of everything we hold dear, but we do have to make room for young adults--and not just at the kids’ table.
I want to break away a bit from the age groups and talk more about the life stages. After all, I’m 35, and I have tiny kids at home. Other people my age have teenagers at home. Yet other people my age aren’t married, or have no kids. We’re at totally different life stages. Jorge’s in his early fifties and has small kids at home. The other guy his age here is Tom, who has grandchildren the same age. Same age, different life stages. Which is not all bad. In fact, sometimes that is the glue that can help bridge the generation gaps.
Finally, I’d like to talk about how the world has changed.
Fifty years ago, in reality, life was probably simpler. There was a time not so long ago you could marry straight out of high school, get a job that supported your family, and live on one income, freeing up (usually the wife) to raise the children and be active in the church. This all helped people who were raised in the church to stay in their same churches, or at least easily join a church and find your place. Now, it’s not right to get married so young. You have to get your education. Both spouses usually need to work full-time to make ends meet. This leaves a lot less time to volunteer everywhere, including the church, and many young families are pulled in so many directions that they don’t have any real time together. I’ll be honest--many churches today exacerbate that problem, because we are built on a model that worked really well for the baby boomers, fifty years ago.
A lot of times, young people come back to church when they have kids, who have faith questions, and they don’t feel equipped to answer them on their own. They need to learn alongside their children. They need mentors to be their own heroes of the faith, people to tell them and show them how it is possible to grow meaningfully in our lives of faith. When church can be a place that families are truly together,--and not again pulled in all different directions, there is a real blessing that we have to offer today.
The Good Gardener
Friends, the good news is (and there is always some good news somewhere) is that God, the constant gardener, is a good gardener, who still loves everything God has planted. God has regard for the young vine, and also for us. Where we have wandered, where we have failed, and where we have failed to welcome the wandering--God still nurtures us. God still loves us, and calls us together as one people, all family, all children of God.
Prayers This Week:
For those facing addiction, and their families
For those wrestling with mental health issues
For those recovering from stroke
For those struggling to find a church home
For all who travel
For children and teachers preparing for back to school
